Friday, January 01, 2010

Good byes

I don't know that I will ever truly believe that my mom is gone. It's difficult to think I can't just pick up the phone and call her. 

Many people suffer the loss of a parent after that parent has dealt with a long and difficult illness. Friends and family take time during that period to make amends and say their good byes. They have time to begin adjusting to the idea of their parent's potential death. My family never had that time to adjust to the idea of my mother dying. Her illness was sudden and within less than 36 hours of being hospitalized she went from being diagnosed with a gall bladder issue to dying. And I feel robbed. In no way do I wish that my mom had suffered or lingered through a difficult disease. But, I do wish that I had been given more time with her. Do I wish it had been a minute, a day, a year, a decade? I am not sure. I do know that I wish I had been able to hold her hand, look into her eyes, and say "I love you" and "goodbye". So, now I spend my days thinking of her often, talking to her about so many things, and reminding her of how much I love her. 

And maybe, just maybe she didn't want to say goodbye. I know that I surely didn't want to either.

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